Coping With Grief and Loss
Grief and loss can be very difficult to cope with and when you’re grieving it can be hard to put attention on taking care of yourself. Often your normal habits and routines in regards to self-care get forgotten which leads to a worsening situation.
This article was written at a time when I had just heard a client of mine had died suddenly. I had been helping him in my capacity as a website designer for many years and I had gotten to know him quite well. He was a larger-than-life character and to hear of his sudden passing was very saddening.
What Happens to Your Body When Grieving?
Grief has a powerful effect on the body. It’s an intense form of stress, beginning with the shock of losing a loved one.
When the body goes into shock there’s a surge of adrenalin. A person can feel physically sick or even experience diarrhea. You may feel foggy and you can even feel like you’re having an out of body experience – which is not just a feeling but an actuality.
This intense release of adrenalin is then followed by a crash with a drop in blood sugar levels. This can make you feel weak and your hands shake.
It is not uncommon to experience headaches, shortness of breath, loss of appetite, dry mouth and even chest pain.
Chest pain can also occur and be a result of “broken heart syndrome”, known medically as “stress-induced cardiomyopathy” or “takotsubo cardiomyopathy”. In broken heart syndrome, a part of your heart temporarily enlarges and doesn’t pump well, while the rest of your heart functions normally or with even more forceful contractions. This can seem like a heart attack but unlike a heart attack, the arteries aren’t blocked.
In addition to the physical stress from shock there is also the emotional stress which produces much the same results
The Stages of Grief
There are apparently 5 stages of grief (some say 7), but I’m not sure I experienced these stages myself.
When my mother died suddenly, 3+ years ago, the first thing I experienced was shock at hearing the news. And then the grief followed. Grief is grief – it’s not anger, it’s not denial, it’s not depression – it’s tears, it’s sadness, it’s grief!
As you come out of grief then you may experience those things but the emotion of grief is grief.
When my mother died it was harder in some ways because it was sudden rather than a drawn-out illness. I had last seen her a week before Christmas to celebrate her birthday and then she’d spent the Christmas week with my brother and family. It was on her way back home that she had a heart attack and died. She was not in great health and I knew that some time, in the not too distant future, her heart was likely to run out of steam and the end would come. But I didn’t think it was going to happen quite so soon.
I wonder if she’d been ill in bed for weeks (which she would have hated) and we’d known she was going to die if it would have been less of a shock? Only people who have been through that will know. I think that, however it happens, the loss of a loved one is an emotional shock.
It’s a strange feeling to have been talking to someone a few days before and then suddenly you can no longer talk to them. It’s a loss of that ability to touch, to hear, to talk to, to see which I think affects us.
I also believe that we are spiritual beings and that it’s possible to communicate with others even if they’re no longer with their body. This was my experience with my mother and other people I’ve known who’ve died.
In a way, this is comforting and helps the process of grieving.
Self Care While You Are Grieving
As I said at the beginning of this article, it can be hard to put attention on oneself at times of loss.
To begin with, my self-care routines dropped to an irreducible minimum. Sure, I showered, cleaned my teeth but I didn’t eat well. I wasn’t sleeping well and didn’t feel like going to bed so I watched TV late into the night. I craved carbohydrates so I gave in to those cravings and ate what I wanted. Some people find they lose their appetite during times of grief and can’t eat.
One thing I did do, which was immensely therapeutic, was to go for a walk every day. Going for a walk helped lift the grief, even if only for the half-hour that I was out walking. On some of the walks I would start off crying but by the end of each walk, I would also feel better, slightly more uplifted than before.
Another thing I did was not to push myself to work too much. It’s good to keep busy but there are times when you should take some time out. Being self-employed there is always that pressure to keep things going so the money keeps rolling in but there were a few times, especially in those early days, when I decided to down tools and have some me-time.
I know it’s hard but during a period of grieving it is important to take some steps to care for yourself.
5 Self Care Activities To Cope With Grieving
Grief can occur as a result of any number of situations in life – death of a loved one or a pet, break up of a relationship, loss of a job, moving away and losing friends. Whatever it is for you, here are some ways to help you cope with it.
1. Breathe
That’s simple enough but so very important, especially when you first hear the news. Take some deep breathes. Slowly in through the nose and out through the mouth. This has 2 effects – it starts to calm your nervous system and it gets oxygen into the body. Sometimes when you receive a shock breathing becomes shallow and you don’t get enough oxygen.
2. Go for a walk
As mentioned above, going for a walk can be very therapeutic. You can walk alone or you might find it better to go with a walking buddy. If you’re out walking with a friend it can be a good idea to talk about things other than what is causing your grief because the idea of the walk is to get your attention out and away from the problem.
3. Consider taking some extra supplements
Vitamin B1 is especially helpful when going through emotional stress. In fact, a multi-B vitamin is even better so you keep them balanced. Vitamin C is also good because often when we’re going through grief it can lower the immune system and we end up with a cold. If you have trouble sleeping try adding some magnesium supplements such as a magnesium drink.
4. Do your best to get enough sleep
It can be hard to sleep during these times but sleep is so important so your body can take the restorative actions it needs to keep you healthy. If you can’t sleep because you’re so upset or your mind is churning things over try doing Progressive Muscle Relaxation. Start at your toes and tense the muscles in your toes. At the same time breathe in. Then relax the toes as you breathe out. Gradually move up your body tensing and relaxing different muscle groups such as your feet, your calves, your knees, your thighs etc. By the time you get to your head, you might even have fallen asleep, but if not you should definitely feel more relaxed.
5. Talk to someone
It’s good to talk. It helps to prevent bottling it all up and going over and over things in your mind. Try to find someone who will just listen to you and not comment on what you’re saying or tell you how you should be feeling. This could be a friend, family member or close colleague. Most people are happy to listen to you and be there for you whenever you need it.
Summary
By paying attention to self-care when you’re grieving isn’t selfish, it’s important. It can help you through the experience and give you something to focus on. You may have lost someone but you have YOU, you have your health, your future is ahead of you and by taking care of yourself you will come out the other side.
If you’ve experienced a loss and would like to get some help please feel free to contact me.